July 13, 2010

The Ramblings of a Crazy Person

Before you ask, no, I do not have pictures of our house yet to post. There's a simple explanation for this too. I'm suffering from what the medical profession would like to call cephaloneuronal disseminata due to an infection of the uterus. Or in layman terms, I'm a hormonal pregnant woman and if you dare to mess with me, you just might lose a body part. Of course, I say this with a smile- crazy people usually smile a lot.

I have come to find that women like to trick other women into believing that being pregnant is a blissful time. Don't believe them. The truth is that shortly after a woman's body is taken over by "the child", craziness sets in...

My first crazy moment happened at the Estee Lauder counter at Dillard's. Since becoming pregnant, my face started to look more like a teenage boy's than a glowing pregnant woman's. I was mortified. I tried every true and proven over-the-counter product. Nothing. The pimples and grease kept coming! So out of complete desperation, I went to visit the Estee Lauder woman. Why her? Well, I absolutely LOVE their face lotion.

Santa always puts fun samples of make-up products in my stocking at Christmas. This was one of them and I haven't stopped using it since then. So when nothing else worked, I ran to the poor woman behind the counter at Dillard's.

Woman: What can I help you with?

Me (spoken calmly, in a normal voice): Well, you see... I have a problem. (sniffling) I'm pregnant. (crying) and my face is just a pimply mess. (hyperventilating) I just don't know what to do. Nothing works. I've tried it all. I just want the pimples to stop. I haven't had pimples since high school. Not like this.

Woman (trying to smile): Oh.. well congratulations....

She, then, starts to show me wonderful products that actually did work to get rid of the pimples. As for the craziness, well...

The next instance happened at our apartment. One minute I was watching T.V. and the next minute I was crying uncontrollably.

Jeremy: What's wrong?

Me: I'm going to be a horrible mom!!

Jeremy: Why would you say that?

Me: I'm selfish and needy. Are you going to love me more than the baby?? (Yes, apparently, I am also jealous.)

Jeremy: Yes, I'll love you more.  And you'll be wonderful Mom.

Me: But how do you know??

Jeremy: Well, look how you take care of Parker.

Me: I don't think I fed him today. I barely walk him. And I like dogs. I don't like kids!

Jeremy: You'll like yours.

Me: Promise??

Jeremy: Yes, I promise.

I'm sure he's right about this...

Then, over the Fourth Holiday:

Me: (taking a bite of my mom's barbecue beans)

One of my siblings: Jessica, are you crying?

Me: (trying to not appear to be crying, but obviously crying): It's just soo good! I mean, we haven't eaten this since we were little kids. You know, before Mom gave up cooking. It's sooo good! I missed it!!

Mom: (getting up) OH! I was going to heat up those potatoes I made yesterday for Ryan!

Me: (realizing this was another dish long put aside long ago let a few more tears fall...)

And while I'd like to think those crazy moments were the high points... sadly, they have become more frequent and more focused upon a single target... Jeremy.

Now, before I go into the horrible details of living with a crazy person, just know that I love my husband more than anything. He is absolutely the most amazing man. He is caring, attentive, and completely unselfish. Seriously, he makes me sick. He's so nice all the time. And with my crazy spouts, he grins and bears it like no other person would. He's a true saint.

In saying all that, he is the absolute last person I want to be around right now. He walks into the room and immediately the hairs on my neck stand up. Then, he opens his mouth and my head starts to spin. Fire comes to my throat and I get ready to attack. Why? Hormones.

Jeremy: How are you feeling?

Me: How do you think I'm feeling?

Jeremy: I'm hoping better.

Me: Well, I'm not. I feel exactly the same as I did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before... starting with the time that your sperm chose to make my egg its home..

Jeremy: I'm sorry.

Me: Yes, you should be sorry.


Me: What are you doing?

Jeremy: I was going to sit beside you.

Me: I don't think so.

Jeremy: Why not?

Me: There's another couch over there.

Jeremy: But I thought I could sit with you.

Me: Well, you thought wrong. I'm sitting here. Oh, and while you are up, could I please have something to drink?


Me: I have to go pee. (Two seconds later) JEREMY!!!! HELP!!!!

Jeremy: (yelling) JESSICA? WHAT IS IT?


Jeremy: (entering the bathroom where I am being held hostage by two things: me peeing and the largest cockroach I have ever seen) WHAT?!


Jeremy: (clearly aggravated and mad that I am still yelling) CALM DOWN! I WILL GET IT!!

Cockroach flies towards me. I, in turn, shriek really loud unable to move.

Jeremy: (really mad) Stop yelling!!! I will get it!! (takes off shoe)

Cockroach lands on our hand towel. And yes, I am still on the toilet.

Me: (now, crying) HURRY!! GET IT!!!


Jeremy kills the cockroach only for it to stick to his shoe, then fall off of it and land only inches from my feet. I, of course, yell again.

Jeremy: (as he throws his sandal across the room) I SAID STOP YELLING!

Me: (hysterically crying.. you know, the kind where you can't catch your breath because you are crying so hard) I know, it's just a roach, but I thought it was going to eat me!!

Jeremy: (now, being able to step back and see how ridiculous the whole scenario is, laughs) It's ok. You just freak me out when you yell like that. The roach is dead. All is ok.

Needless to say the bug guy is coming today to spray our house. I also wouldn't be surprised if a shrink decides to join us for dinner. I'm not sure how much longer Jeremy can take living with this crazy person before he himself needs a Valium or decides to sneak one in my drink...

1 comment:

JessicaWylie said...

You my friend, are hilarious! And not crazy. And you're going to be such a rad mom, it's not even funny!

Miss you!