August 11, 2010

The moment I felt like a mom

The post below was written two weeks ago.

My favorite thing about this blog is making people laugh at my insanity and drama queen ways. I know that I am demanding, blunt, and just plain stupid. I exaggerate to emphasize a point and I probably ask Jeremy a million times before posting if the entry is funny, if he laughed out loud or just inside. I secretly watch as a friend reads it and let the joy of bringing a smile to her face fill my heart. I want this blog to be funny and help you escape into the trivial craziness that sometimes consumes us as if it were the most important thing in the world when in actuality it's just plain silly.


But not everything is funny. Sometimes humor can't fully enter a situation.

And that is today's post.

For the first time today, I felt like a mom. And let me tell you, nothing in that moment was funny.

One minute, I'm rushing to the bathroom for the trillionth time of the day. (Seriously, I'm going on the hour, every hour. And I'm not even that big yet!! What the crap?!) The next minute I'm staring at blood.

And in that moment, I felt like a mom for the first time. I was willing to do whatever it took to ensure my child's health and safety. I would have given up my own life without thinking. All I wanted was for Bradley to stay put and be okay.

Of course, I had an emotional breakdown. My poor boss. She was absolutely the calm voice of reason I needed. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't see straight. I was worried like no worry I've ever felt.

We called the doctor and left a message for the nurse to call me back. Then returned to the meeting we had been in. At that moment, Bradley decided to let me know that he was still there by kicking me... hard. At first, I smiled and sighed thinking that it must mean he was okay and wanted me to know. Then, I thought. "What if he's kicking because he's drowning and struggling to breathe??" (Like I said, I was an emotional and mental wreck. I clearly wasn't thinking rationally.) As I calmly took deep breaths, I waited until my phone rang.

Within thirty minutes, I was in the doctor's office looking at Bradley on the screen, hearing his heartbeat, and being reassured that all is okay and normal. The sonogram technician even said my placenta looked wonderful. A comment that completely freaked me out because you don't really hear that too often. I started picturing this guy walking up to a girl in a bar, "I think your placenta looks wonderful. Want to go out?" haha.. I digress...
 
So while today was completely scary and really not funny, it was comforting to know that this motherhood thing really does come natural. I may be a crazy person entering into motherhood completely blind, but at least I know now with a little more confidence that I might just be okay at being a mom to someone. Heck, I might actually be good enough at it that he might be able to avoid therapy...

for at least the first few years of his life...

3 comments:

Darlleen said...

Jessica, I love you! You absolutely crack me up. Glad to know everything was ok, and that you and Bradley have such a lovely placenta. FYI - this is the kind of thing that Grandmothers like to know about - when they happen. Just saying...

Ashley Family said...

Jessica...that is so scary. I am so thankful Bradley is o.k. You will have to fill me in on more details! Praying for him!
BTW...you make me laugh out loud every time i read your blog...and just about every time i talk to you!

Katherine said...

I'm sorry that it took a scare like that to make you feel like a mom! Glad everything is okay. Hope to see ya soon.