The real deal

So this 3 year old thing is really kicking my butt. Most days I cry. Most days B cries. Most days I want to sell him. Most days he'd prefer to be around anyone but me (aka the Punisher). But we are in this stage for now and so most days we both just do the best we can with the grace we are given from God and spend the rest of the time praying for our hearts to continually be more and more like Jesus and less and less like the evil beings we both are.

Today was equally rough and really, really beautiful outside. For this reason, I decided that the Chick-fil-A drive thru was not enough and that we must enjoy the outdoors on its playground instead. Now, I have to admit that I have yet to take both my kids to a restaurant solo. It really sounds like torture to me and so I have avoided it. But today I was brave... and extremely ill prepared. I didn't have a diaper bag or extra snacks or cups or anything. It was me and the kids... no extras.

Both kids did great! B listened as we were in line. A cashier helped me with my tray. Miss M learned to drink from a straw and hold her own cup. B played well with the other kids and ate all his food. I was feeling pretty good. I decided that we should exchange our toys for ice cream cones!

As we were standing in line, I smelled something. "Oh, Miss M must have pooped. She can make it home to be changed," I thought. We were just 10 minutes from our house. But the smell grew. So I peeked. Thus revealing that my entire sleeve and her back were covered in poop. And we were still waiting for our ice cream. I had options. Walk away and have a meltdown by my 3 year old from.... or stay and endure the poop. Ladies and gentlemen, I endured that poop. I endured it while we got our ice cream. I endured it as B was stopped by at least 3 couples entering the restaurant who wanted to tell him how cute he was. I endured it all the way to the car.

Thankfully, I keep a small bag in my trunk of diapers, wipes, etc. So I got Bradley in the car with his ice cream and went to the trunk to handle Miss M. But the thing with blowouts is that you just kinda need to hose them off. Wiping and changing doesn't really cut it. But something had to happen. So I rolled up my poop sleeve and conquered her blow out the best I could. I got her naked and in a fresh diaper and buckled in her car seat for our 10 minute drive home.

Well, as we are about home I turn around to see Bradley covered head to toe in ice cream. "It melted, Mommy." No joke. Two baths it is... wait... I then notice that we had driven from Chick-fil-A to home without B being buckled in.... Yes, I will accept that Parenting of the Year award. Thank you....

Whew. I got both kids inside, in the bath, and clean in a matter of minutes. (I can be quick and efficient when necessary.. We were already an hour passed nap time.) I turn around to grab towels for my kids only to notice that there were none. Yes, it is laundry day. No, I haven't put a load in the wash yet. Yes, it is 2:00 p.m. So I do the only sensible thing. Grab Miss M, put her on the bath mat, leave B unattended in the draining bath water, and run like hell to grab some towels downstairs. You want to give me another Parenting of the Year award??? You are too much.. I could probably pull a great Taylor Swift shocked face impression after her 10th award. But I'll save that... the story continues.

I grabbed the towels and run back upstairs. Miss M is in the hallway dragging puddles of water. B is playing with the toys. The water is fully drained. I pick Miss M up in the towel and hand B his. (He should be able to dry himself off, right??) and head to Madelyn's room to put her in some clothes. When lo and behold the girl decides that pooping on me is not enough, but now she must pee all over me and her freshly clean body!

Guys, let me be really real with you. In moments like these you honestly can only do one thing.. Laugh. I burst into laughter. I couldn't believe it. There was no way I was giving her another bath. The water had drained. The boat had been returned to its basket. We were moving on with our naptime schedule. So I wiped her up, put her in clean clothes, and stuck her in the crib. Pee is sterile, right? (And, now, I'll give you that Taylor Swift impression.)

I got B out of the tub.. No, he can't dry himself off yet.. Ran downstairs to get his last pair of clean underwear (I promise I am starting laundry today!) and into his bed for nap.

And you thought you were a crappy parent. Ha!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go clean myself, my car, and our clothes....